Never felt safe. Or maybe I did, but wasn't, actually.
Suffered incomprehension, most of the time. Tried to figure out what was expected of me to say, to do, to think, to feel.
And then there was that single moment of clarity, at age 41, sitting in the waiting room of a psychiatrist. A curtain lifted and I saw myself on a stage, not knowing which part in which play I was going to perform, what text to say, to whom, why,
or in which moment.
There I understood that I was free, free to say whatsoever
to whomsoever. It wouldn't matter.
And that's what I did. Said whatsoever to whomsoever.
The weirdest and out of place things .. and nobody noticed.
Shared my precious find with the psy, by the way.
He kept silent for a while, stared into his computer,
then said: "Are we a bit over excited today, aren't we?"
Never went back to see him.
* tere bina kya vajood mera - without you I don't exist